“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.