An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
How actors in movies eat their food
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?