My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
It’s the weekend y’all
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.