The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
me after drinking all the wine:
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy