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I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Based Erika
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”