“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Weirdly Wednesday.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter