Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
seems fine
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁