Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.