Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
U talkin 2 me?
based al yankovic
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.