My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too