Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.