i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”