All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Good dog. ❤️
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple