My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Go hard or stay average
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work