With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Covid like
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that