best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
You Might Also Like
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?