My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey