Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
You Might Also Like
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.