44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When I said I liked it rough.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’