I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.