It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Matt Goss
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving