88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Saw online –
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
i will not be silenced
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends