PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
💻🤡
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*