A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar