I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it