Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]