The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Kids: Stay in school.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.