I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
You Might Also Like
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out