even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.