Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow