I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Natural selection at its finest
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man