[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
road rage
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.