I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Sponch
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.