[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”