“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.