just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”