FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.