Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.