I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
my fav colour is also hitler
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea