Lmfao
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
u spoke cat all this time??????
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order