Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.