trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.