Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Terribly Tuesday.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
me: my friends:
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money