If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
But that’s none of my business
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)