I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My what?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”