Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Jesus steals the winter solstice
waiting for halloween be like:
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”