GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.