Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Stick it to the man
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*sewing*
A thread
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.