Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect