[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question